October 15th one year ago I found out I was pregnant and my world as I knew it changed. The only thing I could think of at the time was ‘holy fucking shit what did I do?’ I had unprotected sex with a person I barely knew. What an idiot. I can count on one hand the number of times I saw this person before getting knocked up. Damn. I really messed up. In that moment I felt scared. Not because I couldn’t handle being a mom, but because I had little to no knowledge of who the person on the other end of the pregnancy stick was (pun intended lol).
Let me back track a little bit though and be really open and vulnerable with you guys. From about 2011 onward I’ve been in 3 serious relationships that lasted 1-2 years each. In between those serious relationships I would find myself bouncing around from guy to guy hoping to find someone to make me feel wanted, loved and whole. Meanwhile I knew what I needed. More time with MYSELF. My intention was always to take some time to figure out who I was, what I wanted and where I was going with my life. Yet here I was time and time again self sabotaging my own plans. I never spent enough time with myself to figure it all out before I found myself seeking validation from others. Sometimes not even realizing that’s what I was doing! Like, here I am telling myself that I want to make it a goal to be single for a year and then the next thing I know I’m pregnant. Great job Nik. Way to go!!
I know I’m not the only one who does this either. Take it from me, give yourselves the time you know you need!! It is so important to feel whole and loved with yourself. Get a clear mind, figure out what you want and stick to your guns! Temptation is a mother fucker, especially if you’re a hopeless romantic.
Why is it that we constantly seek validation from others before we seek it from ourselves? This was the ultimate wake up call for me and honestly I truly believe it to be a blessing in disguise. The guy ended up being nothing more than a sperm donor & it forced me to spend time working on myself. Even though being Bodhi’s mom is the best thing that has ever happened me, it is the hardest and scariest job as well. Being a single parent and knowing that his future rests solely in my hands is terrifying. I hope and pray that I can be able to give him the life he deserves. I hope to be able to teach him to be hard working, compassionate, loving & above all else a gentleman.
It has been a year since that I’ve been truly single. God slowed my roll by giving me Bodhi. This experience has opened my eyes to see my worth and to love myself for everything that I am. I know what I deserve and what my son deserves. And that is someone that will be respectful, loving, compassionate, understanding & strong. Someone who is true to their word. Someone who isn’t afraid to be honest about their scars and truthful about their past. Someone who isn’t looking to just get laid to fill a void. Someone who won’t jump ship on responsibility. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. And it should be for all of you too. Take it from me. Love yourself. Get to know who you are and what you want before it takes a major life change for all of that to happen. You are worth every bit of happiness you want. You just have to believe it.
It took me a year to be able to write my truth. To not be ashamed of myself. To be proud of the woman I am. I know how hard it is to open up. I’m a person who holds a lot inside. Masks it. Fakes it. Struggles with it. But I’m also a person who believes in the journey. I know despite all the bullshit, everything is going to be ok and everything is the way it should be. I’m grateful for my life and I hope by sharing this message with you it has struck a cord and given you some clarity, hope & the will to look at your own life and change what needs to be changed for YOU.